A young woman who was an only child longed to have a brother or sister, until she had three children of her own. The things that children could do and say to each other she found absolutely astounding. Somewhere in the back of her head, she had the idea that brothers and sisters would get along better together. The truth is a little bit more complicated than that.

Observing the Animal World

Little predators, such as cats and dogs, are born in litters. This gives them a built-in pride or pack and provides them with practice rivals. They romp and wrestle together. They play chase, they fight over food, they claim territory and fuss if their territory is usurped. When they are tired, they often cuddle into a pile – with or without their mother – and fall asleep.

Little Humans

Young humans are just as undisciplined and untrained as puppies or kittens. They don’t usually come in litters, but thanks to humans’ slow maturation process, siblings often share space for fifteen or more years. According to Jeffrey Kluger, siblings between the ages of two to four engage in fights every 6.3 minutes, for an average of 9.3 fights per hour. In large families, each child has a relationship with each parent. In addition, he or she will have a unique relationship with each of his other siblings.

Only Children vs. Siblings

Only children do learn how to relate to other, but children with siblings do have some advantages when it comes to socialization. They learn early how to defend their territory and possessions. They also (unfortunately) learn all the sneaky or bullying ways to pressure younger or less observant siblings into giving up their possessions or space to them. They also, fortunately, learn lessons about love, loyalty, confidences and compromise. Birth order does make a difference to how they deal with the world. The oldest child in a family will frequently take on responsibility toward younger siblings. The middle child will grumble about not having privileges and bully the youngest. Both older and middle children will boss the younger siblings around – but will be right there to defend them if needed. These are bonds not afforded only children, who must find their practice and loyalty among their friends.

Siblings become Uncles and Aunts

Parents do not usually outlive their children. While grandma and grandpa can be important figures in a child’s life, there is rarely anyone as special as an aunt or uncle. This extended family provides a social safety net for those times when parents and children are so at odds that it seems as if they are irreconcilable. A benevolent aunt or uncle might sometimes also be moved to help out when life gets a little too bumpy for the primary family to manage financially. Older brothers and sisters sometimes also fulfill this function.

For example, a brother and sister who have long been at odds with each other still remain in touch. When the sister’s daughter wanted to take gymnastic classes, the uncle regularly sent money to cover his niece’s training. At first it seemed as if it was mostly just mental and physical health, but as the little girl grew into a young woman, the gymnastics opened into a part-time job.

Extended Family as Safety Net

An extended family, even if it is a family of friends one has chosen, becomes a safety net. When one member is out of commission, the others come to help. Even if they don’t always get along, and even if they have been out of touch for a while, when the bonds are strong they still reach out. All those years of fighting, fussing and defending each other become a habit that provides a world where the children can grow up a little safer and a little more protected.

The Dysfunctional Family

It would be unrealistic not to take the dysfunctional family into consideration. Not all siblings bond in the same way, not all support each other. Parenting is a factor in molding the family into a supportive unit. Individual personality also comes into play. Sometimes the rivalries and the anger is stronger and more influential than the more pleasant bonds.

The Sibling Bond

When siblings bond in a positive way, it is a connection that lasts a lifetime. Parents pass from this world, as do grandparents, aunts and uncles. Because they are closer in age, siblings have a lifetime in which to support each other, and there are few bonds stronger than those forged in the nursery.